Bad Christian?

I've been struggling with alot lately... and alot has been on my mind and in my prayers. There are so many things I want to become. Closer to our Lord, a better mom, a better wife, a better housekeeper, and always...thinner.

But what has hit me most is the jealousy factor. I should be happy, estatic and celebrating with my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ when the Lord blesses them with something wonderful and instead some of these siblings make me ache a little inside when I see their blessings. I try to remind myself that this is their plan, not mine. And our plans cannot be the same - but oh, how some of them ache.

It can be a ridiculous thing they gain, a new car, or new job, or something heavier like a new baby. And I have to keep praying that God take these wants and horrid feelings from me.

Praying for forgiveness because my initial reaction wasn't happiness and joy for my fellow Christian. What kind of person am I? I claim to know the Lord and yet, harbor these "it's not fair, Daddy!" feelings inside. I hear myself saying that He has plans for me, one of my favorite verses is Jeremiah 29:11 " For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." I tell myself to cling close to Him during these times because only through trials can we grow. But I'm lying if I say it doesn't leave that sick heart burn ache in my chest some days...

I shout for the Enemy to leave me - take the depressions, the woeful words and attitude, because my God is stronger.

Anyone know what I'm talking about?